I dragged my heels about seeing this movie for a very long time. Because I knew I wouldn’t like it. And I don’t want to give DC and Warner Brothers any more of my money than is absolutely necessary to get Batman: The Animated Series toys and trade collections of old Batman comics. But I had a free ticket to a small theater near my house and I waited until it was playing there. So the theater got money for my nachos and soda (and this movie theater has the best nachos ever), Warner Brothers got none. I could live with that.
It with nothing but love and devotion in my heart that I say that this movie was an insult, and I’m glad I didn’t pay for it. But it was not an insult that made me angry because it’s exactly what I and other Batman fans have endured for quite awhile now.
The best way to go about this is for me to just go point by point. *cracks knuckles* Here we go…
1.) How about we not see The Waynes get shot in a movie for once? Everyone (I’m pretty sure there are monks in the Himalayas who have never been near a TV who know how Bruce Wayne became Batman) knows The Waynes get shot. Why are we watching this again? I get it, kid screaming, blood everywhere, pearls on the ground, yadda yadda. However, I did like the image of the pearls getting caught on the gun and breaking when he pulled the trigger.
2.) I’m annoyed now that I actually sat through Man Of Steel thinking it would matter. I didn’t need to because the first chunk of the movie was a replay of the only part of Man Of Steel that mattered. Except this part had Bruce Wayne. For some reason. He was in town to do… Something. Near as I can figure it was to provide the audience with an overwrought Twin Towers analogy. Because watching massive amounts of people getting slaughtered won’t make us feel bad enough. We need to be emotionally manipulated.
3.) Let’s talk about the visuals of the film. I saw it in 3D, which, as a general rule, I hate and this film was no exception. There was no reason this movie needed to be in 3D. For my part, I spent most of the movie thinking something was blocking my view, when it was really just because the camera was behind Superman. Also, the scenes of things flying all over the place made it really hard to see anything. The fight scenes didn’t do very well either. However, that scene with the divers in the Indian Ocean looking for the Kryptonite was GORGEOUS, and as someone who can’t swim and is afraid of the ocean, 3D movies would be a great way for me to see what’s down there. And there were some set pieces that were nice, like the Kryptonian ship and the Wayne Family graveyard. Though I’m puzzled why it was in a field of corn at the end. And it be 100% honest, it did remind me of the cemetery in Plan 9 From Outer Space.
4.) All right, if you’re going to lift so much stuff from Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy – several scenes and a whole bunch of visuals and concepts were, he should get a co-directing credit – than I’m going to compare you to The Dark Knight Trilogy. First, Nolan knew how to compose a shot, Snyder does not. Especially during the fight scenes, I didn’t know what the hell was going on half the time. The fight choreography was also an issue for me. Except for one scene, it was pretty blah. Batman threw a whole lotta punches. I imagine Affleck is as fit as Christian Bale was, so there was no reason to water down the fight scenes. The fight scenes in the Nolan films were brutal and there were places I was flinching. This one had a lot of punches thrown and a lot of guns fired. Also, Nolan knew how to transition from one scene to another. Snyder is familiar with cutting and moving onto whatever scene will confuse the audience the most. I am still not entirely sure I understand what was going on in the movie because the plot was really sloppily constructed.
5.) This movie might actually have made a serviceable comic mini-series if you just take the part that didn’t involve Doomsday. It was too long, wordy, pointless and lacking in conflict for a movie. Which led to the tacked on bit about Doomsday at the end because they felt like they needed to have shit blow up. This also shows a marked lack of respect for your villains because you have the being that killed Superman and threw the DCU into chaos, and he gets 20 minutes of screen time before he gets killed. Make up your own villain if you want to shit all over your bad guy.
6.) Let’s be clear about one thing: This should have been called the Wonder Woman movie, because near as I can tell, she was the only DC Comics character in it. That was not Batman and that was not Superman. Superman does not have existential crises based on people saying mean things about him and not understanding him. He does not gladly say, “fuck you, rest of the world! My best girl is in danger!” He doesn’t cover up his perceived inadequacies by attempting to start a smear campaign on someone in another city. He would not even entertain the notion of killing Batman. Batman does not brand people knowing that it will get them killed in jail. He does not break people’s necks in a fight. He is never careless enough to cause that much property damage and get that many people killed. He does not spend an entire night binge drinking and nailing some random chick. He does not pre-emptively strike against a person who has done nothing wrong. While he is a narcissist (hard core), he is not one to declare that his legacy will be to save the world and to readily diminish all the work he’s done to help the people of Gotham as Bruce and as Batman. He knows better than to set a bunch of traps for Supes, 2/3 of which wouldn’t have an effect at all. He does not freak out when someone says Martha. He doesn’t become insta-buddies with a dude he just spent two hours beating on.
7.) This movie has achieved a rare distinction indeed. In fact, I believe it’s a first: I did not like Alfred. I’m not sure why Jeremy Irons took the role, because he did not want to be there. He was preachy and didn’t seem to care. If you’ve been nagging at Bruce for 20 years that he needs to stop being Batman and he hasn’t listened to you yet, maybe we don’t need to hear it anymore? I had the same problem with Michael Caine’s Alfred, but at least Michael Caine tried.
8.) Now is a good time to move on to the elephant in the room: Ben Affleck. He has my approval. I think he’ll do fine when the time comes that he actually gets to play Batman in a movie.
9.) The gear. I’m not a fan of the Batsuit in this film. Not the mechanized one, that one was fine (though the history nerd in me got a giggle out of the fact that Batman was basically wearing plate mail when he was fighting Supes), I’m talking about the regular one. I know they were going for a Miller thing, and I think they achieved it. I just don’t know that it worked. It just looked ill fitting. Like it was super baggy and heavy. Part of the problem is that Bale has unintentionally spoiled Batman fans in one respect: He knew how to wear the Batsuit. He knew how to hold himself, he knew how to move and he knew how to be intimidating. Ben Affleck has to learn that. This is his first time out in the suit, so we can’t hold it against him, but especially when our Batman is that bulky, he needs to have better control of the suit. The other BIG problem with the suit was how many of the scenes he was wearing it in were overlaid with CG. The suit looked very very off when the computer took over because there was an obvious difference between the way Affleck moved in the suit and the way the computer had him moving in the suit. The filmmakers probably should have had all Affleck in the suit, or an all CG suit. Using both didn’t work in this case. The designers do get some points back for the Batmobile though. It’s not as sexy as it should be, but it’s a marked improvement over the Nolan Batmobile. And that entrance to the Batcave? Blech. Not impressed. As for Supes, they brightened up the suit, which I actually liked, but the bright combined with the texture of the costume and the sharpness of the 3D made it look like he was covered head to toe in sequins. And while you can say a lot of things about Supes, tacky is not on that list. It’s also nice to know that Diabolik’s secret hideout from Danger: Diabolik! is still being used for stuff, but it is a little weird that it’s the Batcave.
10.) Okay, Wonder Woman. The only good thing about the movie. Gal Gadot nailed… That… Shit. I was gob smacked the first time I saw the crossed bracers. She wore that outfit like it was supposed to be worn. She wasn’t wearing it to have her boobs sticking out or to look pretty in a blowing breeze. It was armor and she owned it. There was no fear, no hesitation as she threw herself into the fight with the monster she had no clue about while completely dismissing the bickering boys. The effects for her were actually quite well done because it was subtle and counted on Gadot being to do her own fighting, rather than the CG doing it for her. I expect good things from the Wonder Woman movie. And I’m no longer allowed to talk smack about Wonder Woman. Like, at all. My one complaint is actually that we’re never told her name in the movie. We hear “Ms. Prince” once, and that’s it. As the only character who was actually representative of the original in this movie, we should have at least heard her name spoken once.
11.) Can we talk about Lois Lane for a minute? Because she went from being a journalist and a rounded character in Man Of Steel to being useless and staring wistfully at Clark in his depression but doing nothing to be supportive and, I think, trying to dump him. We were supposed to question if Superman can really be Superman when he has a girlfriend. Well, 70+ years and they’ve been doing just fine with it in the comics. If anything, Lois is the problem here. She knows what Clark is. She knows what he wants to be. So what does she do? Go to the most dangerous part of Africa to interview a warlord because, well, nothing will happen to her because Supes is just gonna show up and save her skin. Never mind the people he could have been saving because you made a willfully stupid choice. Lois should be supporting Superman in what he wants to accomplish by not putting herself in a position that he will save her before others. I’m not saying she shouldn’t take risks for her career (because, truthfully, interviewing an African warlord is not about bringing people the truth, it’s about getting an award for yourself. You can report on those situation in relative safety from the aspect they should be reported from, the humanitarian one), but she can do that in a way that doesn’t get her involved in a shootout with international terrorists on foreign soil and thus distract her hero boyfriend from saving the people who DID NOT get themselves in trouble. The one thing I really did like was when Clark was having trouble figuring stuff out so he went home to his mom. She was supportive and she did more to help him than Lois did. Let’s not overlook the fact that Lexy kidnapped Martha to get Supes to cooperate, not Lois. And why is it raining in every scene Lois is in?
12.) Lexy. Lexy Lexy Lexy Lexy. Dear Lexy. Again, I think Jesse Eisenberg would have been wonderful in a properly written movie (wipes away tear for what could have been with Cillian Murphy). This Lexy actually struck me more like Alexander Luthor II, Lexy’s son. The weirdo son of privilege who has no connection to reality. At any rate, I cannot see the universe wide arch villain who would run the US and came closer than only one other ever has to getting away with manipulating Batman coming from what we were presented with in this movie. And you expect me to believe that that whiney little Silicon Valley malcontent with daddy issues (why… wouldn’t he shut… up… about his father…) created an empire, put it in an arcade, and used it to commandeer space technology to kill both Superman and Batman because….? Yeah, it’s conveniently left out why Lexy is doing anything he’s doing. Although I do understand why he went after Batman. Ego cases can’t stand it when they get one-upped. Batman is the same way. I’m also to believe that the mastermind who was sloppy enough not to cover his track so he got busted and thrown in jail, was actually successful at manipulating Batman into going over the edge? That guy? Him? Was able to manipulate the man who spent twenty years fighting The Joker? And The Riddler? And The Scarecrow? And Ra’s Al Ghul? That is the man we are to believe that this Lex was able to manipulate. And Lex needed to not talk so fast because I could barely understand what he was saying half the time.
13.) Now, here is a truly thorny issue that I hadn’t thought of until now. In these movies, we have Batman and Supes killing people left and right, and it’s okay for them to do this. Here’s the problem of allowing that attitude in your movie: If they’re okay with killing people, why is it that they never kill the person they need to? Batman kills Ra’s Al Ghul, but he doesn’t kill The Joker. But in movie three, we’re okay with killing Bane. Likewise, death to Zod and Doomsday, but we’re gonna let Lexy live, despite having the chance to kill him multiple times (or let Doomsday do it), and if they had taken it, the whole Doomsday thing wouldn’t have even happened. Not to mention that Batman has the chance to kill Lexy in prison, and if anyone deserves to die, it’s Lexy for what he did. But Batman won’t kill him. Why? Well, because we need him for the sequel is the answer we’re going to go with.
14.) And it’s nice to know that the legacy of the 60’s Batman show still lives. We have a room full of thugs, who get their asses kicked (they went to the Stormtrooper school of weapon firing), and the two guys who Ma Kent kibitz about whether they should kill her or not. Just fucking do it. When in doubt, pull the trigger. I’ve got a gun in my room, I’ll go get it…
15.) Let’s discuss the fight with Doomsday. Apparently one of Doomsday’s abilities is to shut people’s brains down because all three of them were morons. There was no reason for Superman to use the Kryptonite spear. It would have been so easy for him to shout to Batman, “hey, grab that thing!” then have Wonder Woman give the final blow. No harm, no foul to Superman. Superman may not have had the brains to do this (but really, he does) but either Batman or Wonder Woman would have, since they are clearly both well-trained and widely experienced fighters. So, it’s Superman’s own dumb ass fault that he died.
16.) This movie did touch on one thing I think DC would do well to exploit but as only done a tiny bit: The Meta-Human Menace. Marvel has always dealt with this with The X-Men. People who are different, who have super powers and were feared and hated because of it. Apparently people in the DCU have never minded. Well, I think they should, and the film did well to bring that up. Even though it made the movie suuuuuuuper long.
17.) Why was there an Elseworlds story smack in the middle of the movie? And why was everyone having spirit quests? Let me tell you, unless you’re Grant Morrison, just don’t write a Batman spirit quest. And Superman on walkabout? Should we be worried that these guys are hallucinating? No wonder they were so sloppy. Also, every Batman related spirit quest should involve Bat-Mite. Pretty sure it’s a rule.
18.) The Robin suit. I don’t care. I had one blessed movie where I didn’t have to think about The Joker and you guys ruined it for me. I don’t care which Robin it was. I don’t care what The Joker did to him. That should have been cut out. It had nothing to do with anything. Especially since no one took the time to explain it, and the movie did not have any kind of emotional resonance in any way shape or form to make it register on more than a fan service level.
19.) “Maybe it’s the Gotham City in me…” I will be using that line to explain my opinion about everything from now on.
20.) You know what we need? More slow-mo shots of Superman’s cape flapping in the wind.
21.) Patrick Leahy strikes again! Makes me think I should take up politics to be in Batman movies.
22.) There’s a scene with Nancy Grace smack talking Superman. If there’s ever been ANYTHING that would make me love Superman, that would be it. He’s on Nancy’s Grace’s shit list, he is an ally of humanity.
23.) I would like to just point something out: Superman did go whining to Batman for help, so this movie is like a typical DCU story in that way. Also, Batman forms the JLA in this world. Just gonna throw that out there.
24.) And we should always listen to Batman’s gut feelings. Even when he won’t tell you why he has those feelings. Because the JLA was just formed, which means you have yet to learn that Batman is huge dick.
The University Of The Bizarre 